"He who doubts from what he sees, will ne'er believe, do what you please" (Auguries of Innocence by William Blake). That is the basis of doubt in its most negative form. Such a person will never, ever accept anything except on a very personal level and that you cannot find absolutely in this life. Ultimately you have to go via a considerable number of criteria, just as when you read this now you have to feel your way to my thought by understanding me and seeing what you can see, and also seeing what you do not want to see, because I am not the arbiter of ultimate truth.
I would first of all like to consider the meaning of equanimity. One of the antidotes to destructive doubt is equanimity, which means evenness of mind or temper, composure and resignation. There are many things in life which we do not understand, and the more we try and penetrate their mystery through the intellect, the more confused and unhappy we become. Eventually we have to understand that there is no intellectual answer to our problems; and I am speaking here on a very personal level: "Why does this have to happen to me and my family?" These are the sorts of questions that I was pondering on in the second chapter of this book. In the end, there is no answer to these problems at all that will give us that degree of security or peace of mind that we all long for, and which, if we actually shared, might cause us paradoxically to become increasingly depressing and frustrating to other people.
When one knows equanimity, there is an evenness of mind and temper, so that whatever happens we are in the hands of a providence far higher than we are, which can show us the way forward. Composure and its rather more negative form resignation again help us onwards. When I can be composed, sure of my own being and strength, even when the most unpleasant things are happening to me, I am of most use to humanity. It is lack of composure that characterized Job when he was groaning, comparing his exalted state in the past with his negative state in the present. Had he known composure, he would never have spoken in that negative way at all.
How can you become composed? Being more open to yourself and seeing all life as a journey towards death and destruction can certainly compose you. That is a negative way of composure, by no means to be dismissed out of hand, but it does not lead you very far in the end; it suggests that criminal and saint alike go to the same place. They share the same fate, and whatever they do, is fulfilled in the same state of futility. There is a great deal of truth in what I have said, and yet this is also far from satisfactory as witnessed in the difference between the way of the saint and that of the sinner. If you are saintly, you foster love in other people, and form the focus of a new community, whereas if you are the conventional sinner you are interested in selfish pursuits, have no real friends, and when you move towards the inevitable state of death, nobody mourns your passing very much.
The word "parasite" can justifiably be used in the case of the most perpetual sinner. It is not a very pleasant word, but one I know very well from my relationships with a certain type of person. In my work as one who tries to help people on the spiritual path, there are many who do not really listen at all, their souls seem to be closed, and when they depart, they are manifestly as unchanged as when they arrived. I have learnt that these people are perpetual drainers, perpetual parasites on the psychical level, and eventually if they are not confronted with their own uselessness, they can cause a great deal of psychical damage, and eventually indeed one may have to cease seeing them, at least temporarily, until they come to their senses. Their strong point of contact is with the physical (bodily) and psychical (emotional) parts of the personality.
You can never impose equanimity on people. There will always be the type of person who says "Why did this have to happen to me, I didn't deserve it?" and it goes on for a little while, as Job himself did after a short time. Composure and particularly equanimity do not ask these questions. They strive to fend them off and use them constructively. If I know equanimity in its fullness of being, my mind and temper are balanced; they are in a state of equality and I do not expect anything as my due. That is where we go wrong in our lives, expecting benefits of one type or another, as if we ourselves were particularly deserving in acquiring them.
In our lives we are not in a position to expect anything at all, except the three ultimate prerogatives, ageing, disease and death, which the Buddha enumerated some thousands of years ago. But if we expect benefits of one type of another, we are bound to be disappointed, because we are not living the right life. Even if I now were expecting you to think well of me, have a high opinion of me, and regard me as something of a spiritual authority, I would soon get in the way and my equanimity would fail immediately. I would assume an air of learning and graciousness, so that you might be impressed and consider me a person of great gifts, whereas in fact I am the most ordinary of people, sometimes below ordinary as well, I might add.
When you know equanimity you do not expect anything at all, you are only grateful for what you have been given through the grace of God, and do not expect extra gifts above what you already have. The great gift that we all share is this gift of grace: unmerited holiness from God which we are expected to use for our own benefit and the benefit of others. It comes to us from on high. We cannot even begin to understand it properly. It is the gift that is in store for all of us who are able to receive it. You do not receive grace because you earn it or deserve it, you receive it because God loves you, but you in return have to accept that love and to be its transmitter to the whole world, otherwise the grace ceases to flow through you and you become a dead object. St Paul says in the famous 1 Corinthians 13:1-3:
I may speak in tongues of men and of angels but if I am without love I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. I may have the gift of prophecy and know all living truth, I may have faith strong enough to move mountains, but if I have no love I have nothing. I may dole out all I possess and even give my body to be burned, but if I have no love, I am none the better.
This is the whole point of the matter. In a state of equanimity you can give out that love without expecting anything in return, not because nothing has previously been given to you, but because now your ego and your feelings of dereliction and disappointment, and all the other egoistical views of life, are simply overwhelmed by the love of God. Then there is peace in your mind and a feeling of great harmony and goodness - at last you can be free from all expectation of things to come in the future.
Job was a happy man as far as anyone could be happy. There was a feeling of basic insecurity, however. Nevertheless, he did all the things that should have been done at that time: making many sacrifices, being a good father, and probably husband as well as far as we can tell; his behaviour was immaculate, and yet he got no benefit from it at all. Instead a great tragedy afflicted him. It did not make sense at all, and he could not understand why. "If only someone could show me why, what I had done wrong" and his comforters showed him that he was a miserable sinner and that he did not have the proper faith to continue. He was, in fact, a sinner, though not of the type the comforters would have understood. He put himself and his family first; that was the whole trouble about Job, when one considers his predicament in a more personalistic form.
When he goes on to justify himself, in that passage from Job 29 - 31 that I have already quoted on two occasions, he describes his happiness in the past and how everybody in the community looked up to him as a man of holiness and wisdom. And now he is no better than a slave. But how he did love himself before! How hubris, self-opinionation, did govern his life! And now it had been taken away from him in one fell swoop and he was nothing at all. That was a tragic situation for a person who had identified himself with his works. Works that come not through God but from the human being, so as to show how excellent one is and how far better one is than one's fellow creatures, are soon fraught with a relapse of illness.
This, as I said before, is the reason why the welfare-state type of approach to health and humanity, though so excellent on the surface, is so inadequate on a deeper level: because it does not work towards the change of people. It is good that people may be better in health, but it is only important if that health is a manifestation of inner sanctity, otherwise one type of ill-health will be followed quite certainly by another, and in the end the person will not have benefited greatly.
When one knows equanimity, one knows inner peace and strength, and then one does not need to expect anything any more, or look for anything, or want anything as a sort of reward for one's actions. One realizes that the state of inner peace and sanctity is the reward. That is how we always know God, not by outer manifestations but by the inner change that occurs within us, so that at last we can say "I see with my own eyes" as Job did. Not with the outer eyes, quite obviously, but with the inner eye of deep faith. It is not faith in believing something; it is faith in knowing something on the deepest level.
This is the ultimate faith, and then you can begin to see the meaning of Job's suffering and the meaning of his coming through it as well. His vision at the beginning was clouded, largely with his personality and selfishness, but in the end there was nothing left for him to cling on to at all, and then in that state of complete emptiness, he knew the one thing that was needful was salvation, namely God himself, who is known to the mystic as "The Supreme Emptiness", and "the Cloud of Unknowing". We have mentioned this already in previous chapters. No one has ever seen God or ever could see God on a personal level. Such a god would undoubtedly be an illusion or a fraud.
It is God who opens our spiritual eyes, so that we can see clearly, perhaps for the first time in our lives, who brings us towards the truth, which is fully of a divine nature. That is how God shows himself to us, so that we can see clearly the things of eternity and work towards them, by bringing that knowledge closer to other people. We do this not by teaching or by speaking about it to them, but by showing it to them in our own lives. Even in my completely inadequate presentation here, if I have helped to clear your eyes of various illusions, so that you might see literally nothing at all, you would still be very near to God, because in that nothing, everything is contained, and the love of God is the basis of every word, every action that I make. I obviously could not claim such a glory for myself, but I know what it is about.
If you are with people who have that great love, you will know that in them God resides in a very perfect way and through them you will know God, perhaps for the first time in your life. It is not whether they want money or power, but what they want in themselves. In equanimity you really want nothing at all; first, because you have it all already, and, second, because you want to give your blessings to other people. Then the whole world may be filled with equanimity.
People may be full of their own glory in the knowledge of God. If I am a person of glory it is because I am close to my Maker, not because I have done anything at all, even if indeed I had great talents of one type or another, they would be sure to be superseded by other people with greater talents in due course, probably very soon. But if I am still in the presence of God, what I have said can never be superseded, because it is of the nature of reality, and in this way I can show you how through the basis of equanimity you too can share with me the eternal mystery of God, which is closer to us than our own heartbeat - because it is absolutely love.
And now let us think about integrity. Integrity may be defined as soundness, uprightness, and honesty. It is in its own way the other part of equanimity. With its soundness, uprightness, and honesty it seeks for nothing that is not itself. It is close indeed to the nature of God. A person of integrity is upright and honest; there is soundness and complete truth in their behaviour. One can trust that person absolutely because they do not depend on their own reputation any more, nor do they desire any of the things of this world. Everything of this world that person may have is blessed because they are close to God, and in God a new creation is born. The soundness and wholeness bring them absolutely close to the formative elements of all being. And now there is equanimity as well. The lack of demands that a person of equanimity has, so that the present moment is good enough for them, extends also to a person of integrity. One can trust them absolutely because they have no ulterior motives. All they want is to do the work of God and bring that work into the world. This is done in the spirit of equanimity, or complete availability to God at any moment, no longer seeking for oneself, or worrying about what has been done, or should be done, or has not been done, but giving of oneself absolutely, in the spirit of prayer and thanksgiving.
When you know integrity, you know complete freedom of the spirit because now no one can touch you any more. They may attack you, you may be the victim of scandal and cruelties of various types, and yet it does not matter because you know that all this is clearly malicious. There have been martyrs of persecution throughout all the centuries, but their martyrdom has been ultimately a mark of respect because they have shown an equanimity in a spirit of complete self-giving, whereby they may know the power of God as he works in their own lives.
A person of integrity is one who is absolutely secure in their relationships with others, who makes no demands on anyone else, and is absolutely clear in what they need and do not need, and does not in any way force themself on others. Their work is entirely to bring the presence of God to others, that they too may live a life of integrity and bring that wholeness to the whole world.
Needless to say, integrity is not a common state amongst humans, who are seduced by the things of this world, almost to the complete exclusion of anything else. But if you know integrity, you know the nature of God. God does not make demands. He does not tell you what you should do and what you should not do. He certainly is no hard task-master. He is there to prove to you that by being what you are made of and what you are fit to do you may become a real person in your own right. In your reality, you are able to give of yourself fully to others as well.
If in equanimity you can take life as it comes moment by moment, and in integrity you can follow through and give of that life to others moment by moment, so equanimity becomes an apt precursor of integrity. The person of equanimity gives moment by moment in order that, through their dedication that may go to the person with integrity, they may proceed and receive more and more from the person of equanimity.
These two gifts of the spirit, equanimity and integrity, are the most beautiful that God has shown us. Both are manifested in the life of Jesus. Think of Jesus' life, for instance. In the early stages he was a highly charismatic leader. Nearly all he said was misconstrued by his contemporaries, but he was able to escape from a dilemma every time when it was necessary. But in the end he fell victim to the forces of evil who planned his crucifixion. He did not turn a hair, as we might say, but saw what was to happen to him and did not plead in any way with Pilate, or anyone else to save himself or get him out of his predicament. He was in a state of quiet trust even as the crucifixion proceeded, before the miraculous resurrection restored the faith of the apostles. There was never any evidence of fear of any type, yet I am sure that he suffered greatly, for I do not see him as a superman who was beyond all these things.
His suffering was quite as great as any of our sufferings would be in a similar situation, but there was somehow an equanimity about his approach which took it in his stride, so that when the time came for him to die, he could say "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit" (Luke 23.46). There was no feeling of anger towards those who had engineered his death, and no fear of what was to come to him either. Of course, on one level, there should have been no fear because his life had been immaculately pure. But be that as it may, as it were, there was still enough fear in terms of physical pain to cause any of us to wince when we think of what he must have gone through. That aspect of death is not removed, no matter how good you might have been.
Some of the most virtuous people I know have suffered abominably before they have died. Now, with powerful anaesthetics and analgesic drugs, the height of pain can be relieved, but this is not really the point at all. The real relief of pain comes from a different attitude of mind to the suffering of the body, rather than taking some medicament which may make us feel better or more composed or more able to compensate for the problems that are to come to us. It is only when we can be fully ourselves in our own being that we know what Jesus actually underwent.
Therefore his integrity was based on equanimity related to a state of mind in which he could follow through that which he was undergoing at the present moment and accept without either reproach or fear or any other negative feeling. I always stress the fact that Jesus' sufferings were very similar to our own, at least on the bodily level, because he was the Word made flesh and it would have been wrong had he escaped the pain you and I also have to suffer as we grow older and have to face the inadequacies of the body. But he knew what it was about and he showed it by his faith and love to all his human brethren, bringing them up to a higher level of reality.
Think of the disciples and apostles who died more or less at the same time as he did. What an influence he must have had in raising them to the faith that they were also to show! His equanimity also brought him to a state of careless rapture. He did not need to blame anyone for their betrayal. There was no feeling of indignation, or cynicism or disappointment in humanity in general, or his disciples more particularly. How easy it would have been for him to have been angry with his disciples, who had exhibited themselves so badly, despite his presence among them for the three years before his death. But instead he forgave them: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23.34) is a characteristic saying of Jesus at this time. Forgiveness is always a sign of equanimity.
People are weak. "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak" (Matthew 26.41) is the way Jesus expressed it. But it is inevitable that, since the body is a pain-bearing organ, if it is hurt it complains in no uncertain way. If you were stabbed, or in some other way beaten up, and you did not show any reaction or pain at all, I would not be impressed. I would suspect rather that there was something wrong with your body, and that you could not react properly. We feel both with our bodies and our emotions, and if either of these is dulled we do not respond properly, there is something wrong with us, and we certainly are not to be envied in our negative reaction.
Jesus had a highly sensitive body and emotional life. He had to be like this, because of the special work that he had to do. So when he experienced the agony in the garden of Gethsemane, and particularly on the cross, he went through it in perfection of emotion, blaming neither the Father nor his disciples, nor Pilate nor any of the members of the Sanhedrin. He went through the whole of the process untouched inwardly. He understood equanimity, and his integrity was such that he never proceeded to blame other people or prove that he really had not said what was alleged, but that other people had misconstrued his teaching; and if only they really understood what he had meant, they would never have put that particular emphasis on his statements. He went by the essence of what he said.
There was nothing that he said on which he ultimately tried to reproach himself. He claimed to have a divine connection, particularly in John's Gospel, and also to a certain extent in the other three as well, and he never denied that ultimate connection before his death. This did not make his ministry any easier; it would have been far better for him had he been just an ordinary human being, very gifted, but still frail and insignificant. But he claimed to be God in the flesh and he proved it as well, not only by the performing of miracles that opened people's eyes, but much more significantly by showing them what a person could do under the influence of the Divine Spirit.
If Jesus had done miracles which manifested his great superiority over other human beings, far from lauding him, I would have been sceptical and a little angry as well. The sort of Christ who is far above me and can bear pain that I cannot bear, is remarkably unhelpful to me, but the type of Christ who can bear exactly what I have to bear in my life, and can bear it in absolute purity of heart and sanctity of spirit, is the type of Christ whom I can worship, follow and bow down before. This is the Christ who is of the nature of God, and we can see what he wants every time he speaks about it. This is a hard saying, of course, for it would be far more agreeable if we all could be delivered time and time again from pain, but we cannot, and we have to grow by faith as well as by love.
Faith comes by following the work of the Holy Spirit, as we are led into new ways of thought and action. The research scientist, the doctor, or anyone who is involved in explorations into new aspects of reality, is involved in the work of the Holy Spirit. There should be no ultimate distinction between the work of the Spirit and the work of the research mind. It is how you use it that matters. A person who has a genius or gift for research work is doing their work properly, and while they are doing it, they may suddenly begin to understand new things which may have an enormous relevance to any number of chronic diseases.
There is no point in any of us being permanently ill or in chronic pain. No good comes out of that. I have never believed that myself; my medical studies and my own personal problems have shown me that this is not the way. If you are alive, you can do much more good if you are healthy in body, mind, soul, and spirit than if any part of your anatomy is out of joint. The value of pain and suffering is that it gets people to empathize better, for at least a time. That time should not go on indefinitely, but be shortened by new findings in anatomy, physiology, pathology and various diseases of the mind, so that the body may now function as a healthy, composite unit. In this way there may be a reunion of body, mind, soul, and spirit, and a more competent integrated person may emerge.